Thursday, September 30, 2010

My dentist was running late and made up time on my appointment. He did a filling in about 7 minutes.

By this time next week most of these ash trees will have Emerald Ash Borer. No, I'm kidding. But these trees will have dropped the great gold leaves they are now showing.

Why can't you Packers fans just let us Bear fans enjoy the moment? We're still going to end up 7-9 so just STFU about a couple of extra penalties.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

140 bucks to fix the door handle on the car. You can leave the window part way open and reach your hand in unless it's raining or you need to lock the car.

My childhood would have played out differently if my mother had been able to call me on a cell phone.

Sassy dug a small hole in my neighbor's crumbling asphalt driveway while I was talking to him.

I wonder if my duck is still in the pond at the City of Richfield?

Because Scanny has mowed my lawn once a week since April I pretty much have the shortest weeds on the block. Scanny gave me a ride to the Midtown Bike Center to pick up my Salsa yesterday and when we walked down the stairs to the Greenway he said he felt like he was in Futureworld. You might be surprised at how many people in Minneapolis that have no idea the Greenway exists. You might be surprised at how many people in Minnesota that have no idea their turn signals exist.

Monday, September 27, 2010

This came out nice. No, it's not mine. It belongs to one of my senior correspondents. John Gilliam was good. He averaged 18 yards a catch for his career and that ain't chopped liver, sporty.

Friday, September 24, 2010


I put some air in the tires of my plastic bike and rode it 11 miles. With the wind at my back and in strict aero position I was able to hit 27 mph for a distance of at least 100 feet.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The term die hard (fill in the team) fan really escapes me. Look at the win/loss records and look at the attendance. I'm sure this is the case with most non-NFL teams. Man if you can't sell out 8 games then you've got a problem.
I amazed Mrs with my ability to add numbers and have deduced that the Republicans have held the White House 30 years and the Democrats 22 years in my 52 years on this planet. I guess what I'm trying to say is that none of them were all that memorable. Eisenhower was President when I was born so beats the shit out of me what he did.

Kennedy was murdered in Dallas and I remember my kindergarten teacher telling us in tears.

Johnson finished Kennedy's term and one of his own and he was from Texas and once picked a dog up by its ears bringing a shitstorm on himself.

Nixon won in 1968 and got booted out but not before 26,000 soldiers were killed in Vietnam on his watch.

Ford finished Nixon's term and fell getting off an airplane giving Chevy Chase a career.

Carter was elected President the year I got out of high school and interest rates ate him alive.

Reagan fired the controllers during his first term and Nancy was actually President for his second.

Daddy Bush vomited on a high ranking Asian official and got pistol whipped by the economy. Don't ever promise anything by starting out with 'read my lips'.

Clinton did wonders for our 401k and gave us Al Gore. Clinton is my favorite, by the way.

Eight years of The Clown (Thanks Red) got us into 2 wars and The Great Recession. Did I leave anything out? Wait, using 9/11 as an excuse he made it legal to tap any phone anywhere without a court order. Now I've got everything.

And then there's Obama who throws like a girl and is afraid to drive the lane. Yeah, he's half white.

Wow, that took longer than I thought. Any of you conservatives who read this can now tune in to Rush Limbaugh to be re-indoctrinated.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I need this video. Will they also be sending a dvd highlighting all of the pedophile stuff concerning their own priests. I know, I know, I'm not a team player.
I'm sure I bought the first fitted hat when I was in my mid-twenties. Now they're 34 bucks a piece. That's 2 months worth of prepaid cell phone minutes.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Welcome to the Heights, baby, where they party more in a parking lot than the whole Warehouse District combined.

I rode 20 miles the hard way this morning and feel like a million bucks, spent.

How about some T-Jack? At least he shows up for camp.

Tuffy, I'm guessing that all day long with those smarmy little pricks is a lot. Any jersey and cap photos are for you.

I killed the back wheel on my Salsa. Really, I think cyclocross racing killed my back wheel. That, and my big butt.

I just hate it when those telemarketers hang up on me before I can amuse myself. 'Yes, this is Ray, where the fuck have you been?' 'Yes this is Raymond, can you recommend a really good instant gravy mix?' 'I'm not wearing pants and nobody cares!'

Monday, September 20, 2010

It is almost time for The Event. Mrs loves me. That's why she will let me switch the tv from Dancing With The Star (kill me) to the event. Don't watch much tv, do you? Go read a book or polish your bayonet or some shit.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Mrs and I went to see The Town yesterday...Ben Affleck and Jon Hamm (Don Draper from Mad Men). It was good and the action scenes are better viewed at the theater. We see a movie at the theater every 2 to 3 weeks depending on what's coming out. It's way better than watching a movie at home where there are too many distractions.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I can see where you Gopher football fans might be put out over the recent loss to South Dakota. One of the principles of college athletics that I believe in is that you have to get all of your top instate recruits to stay home to play. All the top programs in football and basketball have homegrown talent at the core. Yeah I know, Bronko Nagurski was from Canada but at that time they didn't have indoor plumbing so he came to the U.

Monday, September 13, 2010

My knee is really swollen and I still rode my bike 20 miles this morning. I've taken the plastic off the couch, baby.

It was much too nice to go outside yesterday so I watched football and baseball.

Scanny's grandma died last week. He and his girlfriend have a stormy relationship at best. I asked him 'how's your ball and chain?' He told me 'she knows not to fuck with me at a time like this'. I want that on a tee shirt.

So Chelsea Handler is one of those non-celebrity celebrities?

Sassy chewed up my Lady Gaga eight track tape.

The only good roadies are the ones you know.

I feel the worst on 9/11 for the families of the poor schmucks who went into the Matrix that day and never came home.

I know I know, you got into a pose down with some jerk at REI and lost track of time. For the next 24 hours you're a douche and then it's over. I still love you like a brother.

Redskins slacks were quite dandy last night. Thanks for noticing.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

My loving brother spent 50 cents on this hat on Maxwell Street and even though the dog looks better in it than I will, I can't wait to get it. Throw a Sun Times in with it.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Giants 7 Padres 1

NFC East

Cowboys: It's 10:53 and I haven't been up this late since election night 1976. I liked the Cowboys more when Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson were dating. I like Jessica Simpson with a little more extra cheese. Yeah, the Cowboys are basically another dome team but then you know how rough and tough those drugstore cowboys are. It's Romo's turn to get knocked on his ass hard. Then the fun will start.

Eagles: When I think of Philadelphia I think of Patrick Kane's series winning goal and the silence at the arena. The Eagles never seem to get the job done and this year will be no different.

Redskins: I predict that Albert Haynesworth will stuff Shanahan into a trash can and have a pretty good season thereafter. Donovan McNabb will make everyone forget about Joe Theisman who still has nightmares of Lawrence Taylor who single handedly kept the cocaine trade alive in NYC.

Giants: Unable to locate Jimmy Hoffa's body the Giants were forced to build a new stadium. I know that sounds crazy but that's the way it is. My favorite Giants memory is of Phil Simms running for his life at Soldier Field in January 1986. Don't Giants players have dental plan? Can't somebody make some teeth for that gap-toothed MF Strahan?
Giants 3 Padres 0

NFC West

49ers: Joe Montana had to spoil the whole Rudy story with the facts. What a prick. What's the matter Joe? Not getting enough attention? Jordan has the same problem. Piss on Montana. I do however like 9ers coach Mike Singletary and wide receiver Michael Crabtree. Crabtree was also the name of Robert Downey's character in Wonder Boys which might be Michael Douglas's best movie.

Seahawks: Well, being that Pete Carroll fled USC as the posse was closing in and those lime green alts were hideous last year I predict the Squeahawks will go 0 and 14. Wait, there's 16 games until the greedy bastards who run the NFL add 2 more regular season games. It's estimated that an NFL player loses 1 to 3 years of life expectancy for every year he plays.

Rams: Another dome team. You people have no idea how brutal that Saint Louis winter can be. I'll watch reruns of The Golden Girls before I watch the Rams.

Cardinals: With Kurt Warner and Anquon Boldin gone Larry Fitzgerald Jr will have to do everything including park cars, return punts and pop popcorn. As my boss at the city used to say, stick a broomstick up his ass and he can sweep too. Wait, this just in, Joe Montana claims the existence of Santa Claus to be bullshit.
No, I'm not watching the football game tonight. It's baseball season so I'll watch the Giants and Padres at 9 pm. NFL marketing be damned. But, I will do a little dog and pony about each NFL team or until I get bored.

NFC North ?

Packers: I think the Packers may win the division because I think they can outdrink any state in the Union. Sure, you Minnesotans talk a good story but when it comes down to crunch time the Cheeseheads are in a league of their own.

Vikings: Beat the Saints tonight. Don't beat the Saints tonight. Who cares? The Saints won the game that counted last January. True story. I rooted for the Vikings in all four of their Super Bowl losses. They couldn't have scored against Pittsburgh if they had gotten to play with 15 guys. As for this year, the Minnesota media kisses Brett Favre's ass just enough to make the playoffs. He will then send everyone in Minnesota a free pair of Wrangler jeans. Wow, what a big spender.

Bears: Not since Lance Briggs abandoned his $250,000 car on the Kennedy have I been less enthused about a Bears season. If the Bears coach wasn't named Lovie I think he'd get canned. How can you fire a guy named Lovie? The best thing I can say about the Bears is that the Blackhawks season starts October 8th. For y'all reading this in the UK, I'm from Chicago but I've lived here like 27 years. I never drank the Kool Aid so I'm still a Chicagoan at heart. It's a casserole, beeotch!

Lions: Man, I remember the Lions playing on Thanksgiving Day outside and how much effort my mother put into her meal. Now the Lions play inside. Who gives a shit? Football was meant to be played outdoors on a rock hard frozen field in front of auto workers from Flint who all have a flask in their coat.

Hoop Dreams

I can't believe it, it's those 2 assholes in that shitbox Dodge...

My brother snapped a photo of this bike on a recent trip to Maxwell Street. Oh, its got a shitload of character.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Scanny mowed the lawn and informed me that his Grandma had died. He grew up in the house right behind hers. Scanny and I are lucky to have had our lives touched by such great people like his Grandma and my mother. Amen brother.
I told you not to blink and you didn't listen. It's Tuesday but it's going to seem like Monday and the rest of the week will seem like 6 days instead of 4. Don't worry darling, I'll be here to gently guide you through the pitfalls of your current employment dilemma. I'm so removed from the Matrix I can barely remember what it was like. Kinda like Don Cheadle as an undercover drug dealer in Brooklyn's Finest. Come back later and I might maybe possibly have some words of encouragement for you. Do me a favor today. When co-workers ask if you did anything big Labor Day weekend just tell them that not having to go to work was the very best part of the weekend unless you spent 90 bucks to go to a Twins game.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Welcome to my hood

2626 North Lawndale, Chicago, Illinois. Never to be forgotten.

Car is back in the shop. Brake line died in their parking lot.

Big 3 day weekend, huh sporty? Don't blink.

The cooler weather seems to make most people happy. We have a window open right now which is not our style. And, if it is too chilly in the morning I will use the furnace. I don't have any dates to hold to about turning the heat on like not before October 1st or some other ludicrous (Mike Tyson) bullshit.

I think we're going to see the new George Clooney movie tomorrow.

You can make a mountain bike tire fit a spot that's too small for it with a tool called a rasp.

No State Fair for us this year. I enjoy fried food and generously proportioned girls more than your average man but we're on about a 3 year rotation.

Have a great weekend. Ride your bike if you want to. If you get hungry, eat something. Smoke 'em if you got 'em ride right into the teeth of that hurricane because I sure would.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Snakecrotch sent me this photo about a month ago and I'm not sure of its significance I must say that I do love popcorn, public transit and South Dakota girls.

I've ridden my little bicycles about 3000 miles and if you consider I rode 49 miles in January then it's not all that bad.

I got laid off on March 2, 2009. President Obama took office that January so he's to blame. At least that's what that shitbag Sean Hannity would suggest. I will be voting for President Obama when he runs for re-election. No wait, let's elect the black guy when the economy is really in the shitter. He should have been out there with Biden to cap that oil well.

If you ever disagree with me please do not hesitate to contact Scanny. He runs the complaint department.