Friday, December 31, 2010

So what kind of kinky shit have you got planned for New Year's Eve?

I did my best with our end of the alley. I chopped and dug and chopped and shoveled while it was 40 and raining yesterday. Today while it was still semi soft and slushy I squeegeed as much of the water out of the way. Now I need to steal a salt truck to finish the job.

I rode 4500 miles this year which included only 49 miles in January and none in December. Nope, I couldn't get my fat ass out there once. I'm turning in my union card at the Winter Cyclists Hall and will limp my 5 miles a day until further notice.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just spent about 40 minutes leisurely shoveling the crusty windrow out of my coach walk. You know, the little walk between the curb and the City's sidewalk. I was wearing the big ass blue coverall suit that I got from my Uncle Steve or Johnny Boy. Not sure. Oh I looked the part. It's all ball bearings these days.

Thank you goes out the Minnesota Vikings who put forth a pretty good effort against the Eagles last night. I never root for the Viking but last night's win guarantees the Bears the #2 seed.

Happy to say we are out of turkey.

Celine Dion - Because You Loved Me
Mississippi John Hurt - Will The Circle Be Unbroken
Ice Cube - You Can Do It
Ray Charles - Mess Around
James Brown - Sex Machine
Notorious B.I.G. and Puff Daddy - Mo Money Mo Problems
Freddie King - Me and My Guitar
Son Seals - Call My Job

Throw in some Prince, Michael Jackson, BB King, George Clinton and Muddy Waters and others and you get the drift of what's on my ipod.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The alley is tight even with the endless shoveling I've been doing. I've done about half of my neighbor across the alley's apron so I can get the car in the garage. Rain is coming so I'll be walking shovels of snow out to 42nd St for melting purposes. Somewhere, Earl Heimes is smiling.

I never wanted to be a fireman as a kid. The leather faced fireman in Chicago didn't do much to inspire me.

Sure the east coast got a shitload of snow but most of it will have melted by this time next week.

How far can a guy in a pair of boxer shorts get?

This New Year's Eve I vow to stay up until 9 pm.

If you come over to my house there will be turkey in your coat pocket when you leave.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Every time I think about stopping at the T-Mobile store and getting a new phone (not a douchephone you ignorant piece of shit) I say to myself: What The Fuck For. There is however, the world's largest recliner on sale at Penney's. When Mrs sits in it her feet are about a foot off the ground.
I've traded in my fleet of bikes for a selection of snow shovels. Not really but if I don't ride a bike between now and Friday it will be the first month I haven't ridden a bike outdoors in 10 years or so. Records were made to be broken.

Happy Monday kids.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

We've got a turkey and a can of jellied cranberry sauce.

We've got an apple pie and 2 different flavors of ice cream.

Yeah sure, chip and dip.

We've got a bag of mini carrots because you health nuts would be concerned.

We've got Inception, The Town, Clerks, Shutter Island, The Road and Hot Tub Time Machine.

And last but not least we're going to strip search each other just like at the airport.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hey, some of you kids in the midwest might like yet another weather guy. Make sure you check out the Almost Live Cam.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Ma was born 87 years ago today which is why they're playing an outdoor NFL game in Minnesota to celebrate. Look at the pipes! Who needs tickets to the gun show? What are those, beets? Yuck!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Friday, December 17, 2010


Today we started the old No Parking On The Even Side in Minneapolis and as of 10 am there were still quite a few cars parked on the even side. I think they call that a target rich environment for the meter maid.

Mrs says travelling the country in some old mobile home would be better than buying some shithole in Kansas City. Yeah, but I know who gets to do all the driving.

The weekend is almost here for you working stiffs. I'm not so far removed from the work place that I don't appreciate how precious those 48 hours are.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

1) The City Of Minneapolis has liberated the 41st Street end of the alley. Don't be that asshole who throws snow into the alley or Scanny and I will piss our names in your front yard.

2) I am jones-in' for some Christmas cookies. No, not the ones like Mother used to make. Hers were harder than a MF. God bless you Mother. I'd give anything for some of your cutting-blade- hard-cookies.
I found the tunnel to Children's Hospital so now I can walk from Lake Street to Broadway without going outside.

It's only December 16th and I'm tired of winter already. Maybe we'll winter in Kansas City. We can buy some shithole on the east side for 20 grand and have his and hers 9 millimeters for when we leave the house. I'm dreaming of a Christmas shootout.

The guy who said 'I'm not a woman hater, I'm a people hater' is both profound and profane.

The movie The Town comes out on video on Friday. Mrs and I purchased Inception and The Usual Suspects on Monday. There's an actor who is in all three movies. I know you don't care and I don't care that you don't care.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Mrs was home from work yesterday because Minneapolis Public Schools were closed so all of the little darlings who attend treatment and schoolin' at the hospital spent the day texting and hanging out at the malls.

I'm betting that back-to-back Snow Emergencies in Minneapolis led to a shitload of ticketed cars. As we speak there's a car out in front of the house with a ticket on it.

I really applaud you kids who are still riding your bikes in Minneapolis. Just remember that we've reached the time of the year when motorists don't just want you off the street and out of their way. They want you dead and off the street and out of their way.

Monday, December 13, 2010

You bet your ass it's cold out there. I rode public transportation with the Mrs to the Franklin LRT Station where she caught the 2 bus on Franklin. I then walked to Bloomington and Franklin where I caught the 14 bus to Lake Street. I then hobbled my way to the Midtown Bike Center for coffee and a waffle. Dan from Nice Ride was nice enough to give me a ride home and here I sit.

Don't count on riding your little bike on the Greenway just yet because it's going to take more than a pick-up truck to plow it. Call your congressman and while you have him on the phone ask him why we're still in Afghanistan.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

My neighbor's garage across the alley.
My alley looking towards 42nd Street.
It's nice to think of a day when shorts were required.

I'm saving the back for Scanny.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My Sassy Girl loves the snow.
Mrs and I just shoveled at 3 o'clock and it was a job. That was the third shoveling of the day. Metro Transit has suspended bus service and Hennepin County has pulled the plows off the road. We've had 15 inches of snow so far and about an inch or two more to come.

We watched Scarface on A & E. 'F*ck the f*cking Diaz brothers!'
It's one blustery mug out there. I may not take my car out until Wednesday. I haven't seen it snow like this around here in quite a while. The Assassin loves the snow.

Friday, December 10, 2010


Thanks a lot for the socks, Paul. White dog not included.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Chicks really dig me because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something exotic.

I played with the black dog in the alley. And then? I took an hour and a half nap until the black dog woke me up. And then? I browned the ground turkey for tonight's casserole. And then? I walked the black dog 2500 steps worth pausing only to admire a City Of Minneapolis worker digging out one corner with a loader. Rome wasn't built in a day. And then. I prepared and consumed the instant oatmeal. And then? Now, we are patiently awaiting 3 pm when we drive to Fairview Riverside Hospital at the intersection of I Can't Drive and I Have No F-ing Idea Where I'm Going.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

You may get dizzy after this

I guess I'm qualified for a surgeon's job. I've got a white lab coat and a stethoscope. There's a straight jacket around here someplace too.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Ray of Light (Ray Lewis)

I have what amounts to about a 40 foot leash for the Assassin. I had to tie a couple of knots that would make a sailor snicker. She likes to go out in the alley and chase her tennis ball and dig shit (literally) out of the snow to eat. Stand down, sporty. Your kids are more disgusting (especially the teenage ones) on a daily basis than any dog.

Speaking of which. If my house is on fire and you're passing by and can tear yourself away from your douchephone then rescue in this order:

1) Mrs but then don't fuck around too long getting to #2
2) Snowy Bear and Sassy
3) The bikes and then have the Wroblewski brothers come get them
4) The jerseys and pick out a nice one for yourself
5) If you have time and don't need a smoke break or coffee then pull my smoldering carcass out. If you think you might get your shoes dirty then the hell with me.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Been doing ok with my walking. I walk till my knee hurts pretty bad and then I sit down for a while. Walked the mile and a half home from the 46th Street light rail station and the last four blocks would have made Dick Butkus proud.

The Assassin was born in Kentucky. Ran the streets of Owensboro, KY, until she was apprehended and came here last February but she's nuts about the snow. She scoops up mouthfuls of snow when she's thirsty. Yeah, watch out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow.

Thinking of a number between 7 and 10.

Who's the guy ripping the Gophers a new one about selecting a football coach? The brother's got an axe to grind.

The topic of TSA fondling seems to have quieted down.

This is the week I ride a bike again.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Today we remember Ron Santo of the Chicago Cubs. Banks at 1st, Beckert at 2nd, Kessinger at short and Santo at 3rd. What a childhood.

Snow's coming and we're waxing our skis like a ... I prefer Rain Dance while Mrs likes Pledge.

We started watching The Pacific which is the companion mini-series to Band Of Brothers. Band Of Brothers is excellent and so is The Pacific so far.

We had an Eddie Ballgame aka Easy Eddie aka Easy E up in the Global Market buying coffee at Mapps. He has abandoned us till spring.

If I could do it all over again I still wouldn't do the Arrowhead 135 and be stalked by some moose with a mile long wrap sheet.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Think what Tony Montana could've done with a Dremel?

These are Chicago Bears throwback socks and I need a pair. If I can find the shop where they're sold and it's not in Rockford I'll appreciate one of you making a road trip. Not you in Minnesota, jigglestick. You, in Chicago.

I took the elevator up one floor from the Global Market stop and you can walk through skyways all the way to Franklin Avenue. Red, I can see why you have to get going in the morning because your walk is damn near as far as your morning bike commute.

Scored some leftovers from Mrs lunch yesterday. Her coworkers made up for the fact that they forgot her birthday last month by showering her with gifts. They also all wore the letter "L" to signify their status.

Me, I would have stood on my desk at the end of the day spewing obscenities about "how you MFers forgot my birthday".

I love Snowy Bear because I took her outside 5 times yesterday and then she shit in the dining room 15 minutes after the last walk and 10 minutes before dinner.