My own nephew trades the Bluesmobile for a douchephone and picks me up from prison in a shitbox Cavvy.

Why yes, that's the Parade Bike at Wrigley Field.

The frame on the Clown Bike is cracked on the seat post riser (technical bike term). The search for a 22 inch Rollo is on. At least I know what that squeak is from. It's been squeaking since early spring.

First day of school in Hennepin County? I'm sorry that summer went so fast for you kids he said with a huge dose of sarcasm. Are you afraid your kids may be skipping school. For a nominal fee you can have Truant Officer Scanny track them down and scare the B-Jesus out of them.

You bet your fat ass that's a Speed-dick jersey on my lawn jockey.

You've been a little slow with the sign-up sheet to piss on my grave. So far only the black kid from Birchwood is the only person to sign.

East Lansing needs a foot up it's ass!

Fridays - NC17 Edition

I ride with an I-pod blaring music at me. Why, the nerve of the SOB! But no, I'm not a statue when I listen to music. I get that shit going, even on my bike. I air guitar and nod my head and sing and have a good old time. Not as good a time as the famed Lake Harriet/Calhoun/Greenway roller skater but a good time anyway. You mean to tell me I may look crazy when I'm having such fun? That's it, a sign-up sheet will be coming around to assure you a place in the line to piss on my grave. Of course I think those of you who spend every waking minute staring into your douchephone to be complete idjits.

Oh, the puppy is so cute

I met the nicest lady when I was riding on the Light Rail Trail pretty close to the Franklin Avenue Station. Her name is Ryanne and she's the owner of Fun City Dogs which is a dog boarding business. All the dogs looked really happy. I would board Sassy there in a minute. Well, Sassy would be asked to leave after 10 minutes but let's not go into that.

So, the next time you kids travel to the Bermuda Triangle keep Ryanne in mind. Or Mexico when your hobnobbin' on the beach 2 blocks from where they're living in squalor. Florida? You know it, sporty. You may want to take your dog with you if you're visiting the largest ball of twine because that's something that may interest them.

Strike, strike, strike. I'm hoping a 9 day traffic jam is possible. Read some of the comments. There's no shortage of pinheads.

Hey, don't look at me! You were the ones who put the bug in grandma and grandpa's ass. When they started getting pissed at cyclists the whole shooting match went in the shitteroo. What are they in a hurry to do?

I saw a bumper sticker on some shitbox that said: SUPPORT THE WARRIOR IF NOT THE WAR. Yeah, I can live with that.

5 year anniversary of Katrina is coming up. When sanitation gets messed up, you've got big problems. Piss on the roads. Fix the sewers.

It's spaghetti night, fool!

She needs some stickers

Yep, she's limited my social life. I keep an eye on the clock anytime I go out and put her in the kennel. She's a Daddy's girl. We can always do lunch from 11 to 1 as long as it's close to the house.

I ran into the old 7 footer this morning. Actually, he chased me down. Make sure you consult him for all your real estate need or if you need a ringer for a pick-up basketball game.

Mrs took me to Crave for brunch yesterday and the lawn had been mowed when we arrived home. Good and good.

I look forward to cooler weather except fall seems like it lasts 15 minutes and January and February seem like an eternity.

Knowing how anal you track racers are makes me laugh pretty hard when I do a coffee ride with a guy riding his race bike on the street. Next time we stop at a florist so I can bring Klauck a corsage.

I wouldn't vote for Tom Emmer but come on people, how can you expect a government employee to show up every day for work. I know how hard people in the private sector work. Hey, isn't it time for you to update your Facebook status to: I hate Mondays! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fridays

Noon baseball games today. Enough said.

I hope we can fit in a generous teepee-ing of your Madison partner's house on Friday.

The Snowy Bear just let Sassy know who the Queen Bee is.

Harmon Killebrew hit his last Major League home run against the Minnesota Twins.

Snakecrotch: I believe September 12th is opening day in the NFL. Plan accordingly.

Playing with my knee so it makes a cool popping sound may not be all that good for it.

A filibuster epic proportions is coming here soon.

I could listen to FBI wiretaps of Blago using the f-word with respect to Obama's vacated Senate seat forever. Oh yeah, fourteen days of jury deliberation is a long time. I was part of a jury deliberation which lasted only three days and if I ever see some of these people again I'm going to confront them and tell them to have a nice day.

When in Chicago I often stay at the Covent Hotel located at 2653 North Clark. Did you get my Cheese Whiz, boy?

I need to spend a day walking the streets of Ro-Po nourishing myself at Dunkin Donuts and stopping for chips and a Coke at Touche'.

Knee feels good even though I jumped on the gas a couple of times this morning. Not in time trial shape by any means.

Mrs and I are fans of Tosh.O. Sure, it's on the edge of good taste but the kid is funny.

Soon, cell phone service will cease until I put some minutes on our pay-as-you-go phones. We still have a home phone which we answer sporadically. A cell phone is a luxury. NFL Sunday Ticket is not.

Today's jersey is a Washington Nationals red alternate Ryan Zimmerman.

Here's five dollars worth of flowers from the guy at 28th and Central. If you're lucky he'll plug in the amp and play his guitar for you. Mrs passed up a chance to sing.

My nephew Brian snapped this photo of his 1 x 1 in front of his garage. Yeah, it used to be my bike but it has a more caring owner now. You can also see the rest of his fleet in the background.

As it was pouring rain when our black canine alarm clock woke us at 4:30 the decision to drive Miss Debbie to work was made. This has been a hot sweaty summer of cycling which is still better than freezing your ass off in January.

While shopping for a few grocery items at Wal Mart (He went to Wal Mart? Why that MF!) a gentleman (loosely) commented on my KC Royals Zach Greinke jersey. He said that he had Greinke on his fantasy baseball team. I shook his hand and asked him if he moisturizes which led him to walk away muttering.

Call T-Mobile and tell them you want to switch to pay-as-you-go and they go into a full blown sales pitch. The great Mrs used 57 minutes of cell phone time last month. If she can eliminate the calls to her little sister and mother we can bring that down to about 25 minutes. I will be bring my minutes down by never calling anyone back. Oh shit, I'm doing that now.

Well, it looks like I found a job to apply for.

The fact one is wearing a Birchwood cycling cap should not lead you to assume that one is in fact on the team or that given the chance he would have sex with you.

Laundry goes in the washer. Then laundry goes in the dryer. Then we ask Mrs in the evening if she would check on our laundry. 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

Mayor RT Rybak does more woofin' on Twitter when the Twins are winning than when they are losing.

Black dog is lying next to me as I type this shit making me the safest person in the world right now. Let's just call her a Daddy's girl.

Kiah's Facebook page was suspended yesterday. Maggie the bad ass will haunt those college peckerhead's dreams the rest of their lives.

The cops and fireman from several jurisdictions are having an exercise at 37th and 20th. Don't worry, they'll be performing a stirring rendition of South Pacific for their big finish.

Flat tire on the Voodoo. I told a bicycle cop at the previously mentioned lovefest that with a flat tire on my bike he could almost catch me. He couldn't. Cyclocross racing really improved my bike handling skills over a variety of terrain.

I hope all Twins fans in Chicago will remember that US Cellular Field is on the South Side and the South Side is no place to fuck around with. It's not like Wrigley Field where some prick from Barrington will threaten to throw his douchephone at you.

So, she didn't expect such a fat ass.

Under new ownership

The Parade Bike has landed. My nephew Paul snapped a photo of it at Lincoln Park Zoo. He has smartly replaced that Brooks saddle with an ass hatchet with a little more cushioning. And new bar tape. Oh my Rasta, the pressure is on.

Not a hundred percent sure this last cortisone shot is going to help that much. I think I'm more inclined to manage the pain through acupuncture and voodoo dolls. Pancakes for breakfast, that's what the smoke you smell is. Waiting for pictures from you two. UPS driver didn't have my jersey Friday. Didn't stop me from telling her how good she looks in brown. Take a breath.

Too hot and humid to ride a bike today. Mrs would like to be driven to Burnsville Mall to stimulate the economy. Aside from his obnoxious behavior, the latest Mel Gibson movie Edge Of Darkness is pretty good. We also viewed Pumping Iron starring the Governator. Exhale.

The plan is to take the wheels off my old black Crosscheck and paint it with a can of Krylon. I'll try to match the color of the Globe bike Gene has at 1 on 1. The color is called Marina Blue. Made sure there were no land mines in my yard as they're having an open house (realtor) next door.

Favre has to come back so the Bears can 'knock his cock in watch pocket' - North Dallas Forty

Fridays

I saw you come into Midtown and put air in your tires. I would have come over but you seemed to be deeply entrenched in the Matrix. Me, I'm like deep, deep undercover. The more stress I see in people's faces the more I relax.

So girls, all the commercials make you look like geniuses and men look like dumbshits. Hmmmm?

I gotta share this. What's the difference between an accountant and an actuary? An accountant looks at YOUR shoes when he talks to you. That's a good one, Sam.

This just in. Sassy does not like any other humans to be out when she goes out for her late night pee pee break. That would include those in motor vehicles.

Will be chasing (4 houses worth) the UPS driver down to see if my jersey I ordered this week is on the truck.

As John Goodman says in Barton Fink - 'I'm fat, that's MY cross to bear.'

I cut off some girl on her little fixie on 38th Street this afternoon. What she didn't know is that I pretty much have the right-of-way with respect to other cyclists pretty much anywhere in our solar system. However, all dogs have the right-of-way over cyclists, cars, trucks, cows and aliens anywhere in the f-ing universe.

I'm all OMG...

It has not been an uneventful summer...

Sassy broke free of containment (storm door not latched) and pretty much attacked a group of 3 greyhounds. She took a hunk out of one of them and we gladly paid the poor skinny dog's $300 vet bill to take care of the wound. Rescue dogs have issues especially the ones who spent part of their youth roaming the streets of Pennsyltucky.

It's been almost 2 weeks since a very young Latino youth shot out into the alley at the exact time I was passing by. I was only going about 8 mph but it wasn't pretty. The kid came out of it better than my elbow and shoulder. It doesn't do much positive to your psyche and you're more terrified going to the ground than your normal bike crash.

I'm emotionally compromised...

Got the car back. I'm all done fixing it. If it dies on the road I'm torching it.

Neighbor's house is for sale and as Uncle Tuffy says - for a mere $270,000 you can live next door to me.

Don't call me during my nap which will start in about 10 minutes.

Great Sunday Dragger ride with the lovely Mrs. I even got a new seat (FU and your saddle, pal) for my end of the Dragger.

When you're out on your bike and you're going to stare at people then just give a little grin instead of looking away when they smile at you.