10 Worst Ceremonial First Pitches

Happy Opening Day babes and babies!

Sorry but I've been working out a settlement between the hipster elite, roadie elite, race organizers, TCBC, Major Taylor, couples riding hybrid bikes, messengers, ex-messengers, recumbent guys with appropriate beards and guts, fair weather commuters, hard core commuters and my Mexican brothers.

Looky here swami, I finally got my 1979 We Are Family Pirates jersey. Now we need the matching pillbox hat and a couple of Stargell Stars and we'll be all set.

Yeah sure get over the fact that your basketball board took a big shitteroo and concentrate on one of the more vexing Final Fours in history. Wait, the Frozen 4 is in Saint Paul in roughly two weeks. It will be shown on Spike between episodes of Gangland. The Plumber has 9th row blue line tickets which are worth a couple of nickels.

Miss Debbie was off sick yesterday but was well enough today to attend work and the flower show at Macy's this afternoon. I will be meeting her at the big hospital and taking mass transit downtown hoping to score a cup of coffee afterwards.

Fridays - Sometimes it's hard to be Meshugge

I'm never prouder of myself than when one of these judgemental motherfuckers labels me as "edgy". I don't have an online persona and then something completely different when you meet me in person. I color outside the f-ing lines. Always have, always will.

Duke's loss to Arizona pretty well killed my hospital board since I had picked them to win it all. If you picked Arizona to get this far then let's get you on KFAN and send Paul Allen back to wherever he came from. It took a spectacular block for them to beat Memphis and a bullshit 5 second call and some questionable play by Texas to win that game.

It's vet day for The Assassin today. Let's hope the vet has the muzzle and his catcher's mask ready since last year she knocked his glasses of a scratched him. Like most parents we can't control our kids but then they never say no and slam their bedroom door in our face.

The Snowy Bear will not be going to the vet. She's 14 and soon to be 15 so we don't need the stress of loading her in the car and the whole vet deal. She used to be my wild child and had to be walked with a training collar. I remember the day I took the training collar off her about 8 years ago and how doing that made me just a little sad.

I bet if you go not too far south of here they have green grass that they're mowing. All in due time homie. All in due time.

We're as excited as hell to watch high school basketball in less than an hour and then NCAA action this evening. Sure Minnesota high school basketball is mostly white guys but hell so is Jimmer Fredette from BYU. BYU would have an even better chance if one of their better guys could have abstained but most times the little head wins out.

I'm trying to subsist on oranges and crackers till this afternoon when Mrs and I will be dining at the new Asian buffet in the prestigious Hi-Lake Shopping Center. Hopefully a nice young Asian man in a shiny suit (from Honk Kong, home of the shiny suit) will seat us near the buffet table to keep us near the action. No squid for you, slappy!

Baseball starts a week from today and unfortunately your hometown Twinkies open on the road at Toronto. I see what you're doing Mr Bud Selig and I don't like it one bit. Maybe in 2012 the Twins can open at home on a balmy 34 degree day.

Obama is my main man but we're on a really slippery slope in Libya. You'll be happy to know I talked to Doc Bolstad at Fort Stewart outside Savannah, Georgia, and he said most soldiers are more concerned with their basketball boards and getting laid than what's happening with Moammar.

It's snowing again here and I'm pretty well past the point of caring. The Assassin sure likes the snow. It gives her a chance to dig shit out of the snow. Real Spring will be here when it gets here.

Stabby's Cafe where my dogs could count on a bacon treat has closed. Actually, the power company shut off the power during breakfast one morning a couple of weeks ago. Albert King could write a song around this event.

We're in 9th place on the hospital basketball board. Not bad huh skippy? That one paid out 430 bucks to the winner last year.

Lunch has got me in a quandary. I'm kinda hot dogged out. There's tuna, yuck. Cheese and crackers? I already had a pail of oatmeal for breakfast. There could be a can of soup in the basement. A smoothie with some freezer burned ice cream? Buttered noodles?

Oh you bet your sweet ass there's a cake in the oven. Then it cools and then we frost it.

I didn't get the Cub's PA Announcer's job and didn't get an interview either but hell that's not all bad. Having to sit through 81 baseball games that have slowed to a crawl because of all the pitching changes and package and batting glove adjustments. Day games after night games and out well past a decent bed time just wouldn't work.

Our country would be a better place if people would allow enough time to get where they're going and go to bed at a reasonable time. 'Sleep when you're dead' is good in theory but it's basically bullshit in practice.

The great Miss Debbie rode her bike to work today for the first time since November 19, 2010, and I bow my head at her greatness. I am lucky to provide escort service for her.

My basketball board took a beating and if you've got VCU going to the regional then I'm happy for you. My smart guy pick was for Florida State to beat Notre Dame and now I'm all out of lucky picks.

I have been issued a shopping list and money for the grocery store with instructions to not fuck it up.

What she could have said was: Eat that leftover pork chop and it'll be your ass.

Jeez Red, I thought you walked to class without me. That kind of rejection would scar me for life.

Get over yourself and admit that riding a bike in the winter in Minnesota takes a hearty person who just happens to have a screw loose.

Actually the Cedar Lake Trail is mostly completed past Target Center so I rode to the parking lot next to Deja Vu. In Chicago we would identify part of the trail extension as a damn good place to get your ass kicked but in the land of milk and honey you'll be just ducky.

I have some readers in other parts of the country besides Minnesota so the next statement of fact is for y'all. My roof has absolutely no snow on it. Today is the first day with no snow on it since late November.

I wimped out at 10 last night but I got a damn good dose of basketball. I like having Barkley on the broadcast. What's not to like about Chuck?

One of the best things about life is that you can't go back to when you were younger and you have to become older to appreciate your youth.

Who's Snakebite?

My stepfather Gene could be a nucklehead but I did learn a lot about life from him.

My last big Saint Patrick's Day drunk was 6 years ago today. I guess when you have a drink in your hand from 9 am to 11 pm that constitutes putting a shift in.

Yesterday was one of the all-time refreeze days as far as riding a bike is concerned. At least to me.

Free bus service today makes me want to ride all day but I can't because the college basketball tournament starts today.

So, many of you can't access Twatter or Facebook from your work computer because the assholes in HR have had the geeks in IT block it. But and there's always a big butt, you can put out pearls of wisdom on you're douchephones. Just fucking wonderful.

When I want to feel wholesome and like an All American Boy instead of the rotten fucking cocksucker that I am I go here.

My new handlebars on my Crosscheck are quite comfortable. I shall not be hunched over to ride a bike unless I contort my body to ride my time trial bike from this day forward. Can you see the Assassin inspecting the not UL approved extension cord set up that her Mommy has going for that heater? Sure, burn the house down. See if I give a rusty fuck.

I promise to not run down the best new hipster hangout on my blog any longer.

Sleep patterns are being adjusted to watch basketball until all hours of the night which is 10 pm at our house. I'm following Jay Bilas from ESPN on Twitter and Jay has my head ready to explode with all of his tournament facts.

I'm a pretty sentimental MF but I don't get too nostalgic about my Mother's shitty coffee or her cole slaw that she pureed in the blender. I do smile warmly when I see some guy taking his mother to Wal Mart or Target unless it's the Target on Lake Street where it's every man for himself.

I go to the Midtown Bike Center operated by Freewheel Bikes every morning for coffee because it's the best place to go for coffee in the morning, afternoon or evening. They serve great coffee and pastries and they don't employ smarmy-fucking-hipsters who treat you like you're lucky to be in their presence. I could go for coffee anywhere but I choose Midtown. Single source organic coffee grown on a shaded hillside and picked by monks!?! Here's some news for you, tough guy. It's a cup of fucking coffee and only Rosenberg can brew a cup of Folgers that you'll think was from a coffee house.

I hope you're filling out an illegal basketball board for the NCAA Tournament even though HR and those pinheads at the TSA will have your ass if they catch you. I get in the pool where Mrs works. It pays out a bundle and Franny and John who run the pool are protected by Tony Soprano.

Duke: They always seem to be right there and their seniors are really good plus those Plumlee brothers can walk and chew gum which is pretty impressive for big white boys.

Kansas: What's not to like about the Morris twins? Bill Self will always be a douche because he abandoned Illinois but that's just sour grapes.

Ohio State: I don't think the Big 10 was all that good this year and the 36 to 33 game between Sconsin and Penn State didn't help the image. Ohio State may get to the Final Four but it may not be a cakewalk to get there.

Pitt: I like Pitt. I always pick Pitt to go really far. Pitt always fucks me. How's that for succinct?

Notre Dame: See Pitt.

Kansas State: I think Frank Martin probably potty trained his children under some sort of duress so I'm sure his players are afraid to fail.

Oakland (from Michigan): I watched Oakland beat South Dakota State in their tournament. Recently, they've removed the bottom from the peach basket in South Dakota. I have a following of three in the Soo Foo so I kid because I care.

Texas: Which Texas team is going to show up? Beats the piss out of me. I do like those Texas uniforms.

Fridays

Mrs out with Old Lady Ann tonight and me out in Richfield. I'm really impressed by the fact that some people don't watch television or is it that they have better things to do than watch television? In a world of self-importance I'm not very important except to my dogs. So how does one pick up Minnesota girls? Do you have to show pictures of deer you've killed or shit you've built in shop class?

You need a paragraph break at this point. Ok, so the main sewer line at your home shouldn't be affected by flooding from snow melt or rain unless you have a shitload of cross connections in your neighborhood. In other words the storm sewer system and sanitary sewer system are separate entities. E-mail me for any further explanation needed.

This just in. Mrs is such a good customer at Christopher and Banks (clothes store, skippy) that they just called her to remind her of an upcoming sale. Why the fuck did I just answer the phone?

I always hated Notre Dame and Digger Phelps when I was growing up but now I'm a bit of an ND fan.

Japan's going to show you how disaster cleanup works when you've got more money than God.

All the big conferences have started their tournaments which is nice. I don't snack as much as you might think. Mrs and I really don't snack at all. However, we try not to miss dessert.

I wonder if these people in Libya are keeping up with the Charlie Sheen stuff.

Haven't heard anything back about the Cubs job. I should have submitted a demo tape for Scanny. I could see him in the booth making the announcements in his Carhartt jacket and North Stars hat.

I've only watched this about 200 times.

I like this jersey but basketball jerseys and fat guys are a tough mix. I said it. I'm fat and I go to bed at night thinking about breakfast.

The new recliner is performing admirably under the game conditions of the Big East Tournament.

I'm having trouble posting a photo to a jersey message board I belong to. I've consulted a professional, but still, a big FUCK YOU goes out to all you computer geeks for designing something with such an unfriendly user interface. Hey, how's that for using some jargon. Facebook is wildly successful because even complete f-ing idjits like me can post photos.

Chicago Cubs PA Announcer Audition

If I got the job would they mind if I lived at a flophouse hotel? I did it this way because I'm wearing a Kansas City Royals jersey today. I don't think it's my best work but I did pump this bitch out in a minute and three seconds.

Yeah sure Meshugge, maybe Friday afternoon. Mrs is going out to dinner with Old Lady Ann so I'm free.

Confirming what I reported on Facebook is my high level of energy on Sunday when I changed pajamas so Mrs could wash them. The thought of riding my bike came but exited rather quickly. I'm not impressed when you tell me how busy you are.

You bike geeks are some pretty snide MFs when gas is $3.60 a gallon. Soon, when Mrs starts riding her bike to work again the family car will require gas once a month. The strategic oil reserve should not be touched until the meteor is on its way.

The little jersey show was Mrs idea. Of course I'm going to run out after 75 days or so.

So people aren't getting the required amount of sleep and teenagers are waiting to have sex. As Mrs said: 'The best things in life are free'.

I elected to do some vacuuming and mopping instead of going for a bike ride. It'll happen. I hate to rush it.

Another good Mrs line about Moammar: 'Can't somebody shoot this motherfucker?'

Can a pro athlete who's getting injections of anything in his knee claim it's no big deal?

Fridays

Go here, read a post or two and then put things in fucking perspective. God bless you young man, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm going to apply for the Chicago Cubs public address announcer's job. Why not? All you have to do is submit a You Tube video of yourself reading the predetermined script and answer a couple of questions. Why not dream big, huh sugar bear?

Two years ago today the City Of Richfield found it in their heart to lay me off. I haven't gone back there and they haven't come looking for me either. How sad am I? Well sporty, I'm going out for dinner to celebrate the occasion.

At 2 million bucks an episode Charlie Sheen can afford to throw this sitcom down the shitteroo. Hopefully, he'll get a raise when they start filming for the next season.

Yeah you're right, spaghetti for lunch does sound good.

Some bitch tried to make a little cutesy joke at DeSean's expense and I slapped her shit out of there. Soon I'll be adopting DeSean and he will be taking ME to the Super Bowl.

Sassy has lived here a year. What a great dog. What's a couch and a couple dozen pairs of shoes amongst friends?

Who the fuck said buttered noodles?

I rode 8 miles in February and I didn't get a harumph out of that guy in the corner.

Actually Red, I could have bought several $1500 Golden Retrievers with the money I pissed away on booze the last 5 years before I quit.